What is the Gottman Four Horsemen?

The Four Horsemen are four communication patterns that Dr. John Gottman identified as predictors of relationship breakdown with 93% accuracy: Criticism (attacking your partner's character), Contempt (treating your partner with disrespect), Defensiveness (making excuses or playing the victim), and Stonewalling (withdrawing and shutting down). Our Red Flag assessment is based on this research.

How do I know if my relationship has red flags?

Red flags include patterns of controlling behavior, lack of respect, dishonesty, emotional manipulation, isolation from friends/family, and any form of abuse. Our free 37-question assessment helps identify these warning signs based on proven psychological research.

Is the relationship assessment quiz free?

Yes, all core assessment tools on CheckYourRelationship are completely free. This includes the Red Flag Detector, Safety Assessment, Compatibility Check, and access to our Q&A community. We believe safety tools should never be paywalled.

Is my assessment data private?

Absolutely. Your assessment answers are 100% private and anonymous. We use client-side encryption for sensitive data like exit plans, and your personal data is never sold or shared. You can also use our Quick Exit feature at any time.

Should I marry my partner quiz - how accurate is it?

Our 'Should I Marry Them?' assessment helps you identify deal-breakers and compatibility factors based on research from the PREPARE/ENRICH program used by over 4 million couples worldwide. While no quiz can make your decision for you, it provides evidence-based insights to help you make an informed choice.

I (29F) am now disgusted by my boyfriend o…

My boyfriend used to be the most gorgeous, attractive, magnetic person I’d ever met. Things have changed slowly, and seven years on, it feels like he’s an entirely different person. I might get torn apart for being shallow, but I wish I didn’t feel this way. I still love him and I want to be with him forever, but my body feels repulsion when he touches me, I don’t want my family or friends to see him, I don’t want to be in photos with him… I wish I could not care, but I can’t change my feelings. He has a beautiful face. He’ll always be beautiful to me. But the issue is he doesn’t take care of ANYTHING in his life - his room and his car look like actual landfill sites, every hotel we’ve stayed at has become a pigsty within one day because of the mess he makes, and he doesn’t look after himself, his health, his hair or his clothes. I’ve asked him endlessly to be a bit more considerate - it affects me too. I sit in his car with my legs crumpled up because of all the cans and rubbish on the floor, the dirt on the seats stains my clothes, I have to sleep in his disgusting room that makes me itchy. It’s just gross. But when it comes to his appearance, the topic is more difficult to breach. He has a skinny build, but his beer belly is the largest I’ve ever seen. It’s genuinely comparable to a 9 month pregnancy. We go to festivals and he takes his shirt off and I feel so embarrassed. If he were chubby I’d actually be okay with it, but he’s not, he has this descended swollen stomach that looks unusual. People stare. He also has an alcohol problem. I’ve asked him to stop drinking daily, but he won’t stop. That’s another issue. I’ll be damned if I end up with an alcoholic. He’s also losing his hair. I’ve been so gentle, accepting and supporting of this as I know it can’t be helped. But the issue is the general lack of grooming. He lets it grow out long, accentuating the balding. It’s unbrushed and unkempt. He also never shaves and has horrible messy stubble up his cheeks. Along with all the other issues, I’m really worried about what he’ll look like once he’s further along with his balding. Knowing him, he won’t stay on top of shaving, which means he’ll have that middle aged man recession going on. I feel really awful, and just can’t believe how things have changed so suddenly. We’re still in our 20s, what’s happened? He used to give me butterflies, now I feel sick when I look at him. He touches me and I feel repulsed and want to move away from him. This is making me so sad because I want to stay in love with my boyfriend, I love him deeply, but I’m worried I won’t be able to move past this repulsion. Before people say… I guarantee he is NOT depressed. He has had a perfect life and is very happy, happy-go-lucky, very satisfied with everything. He has no neurodivergence or learning difficulties etc etc etc. He is just a slob. I need advice… how can I ask my boyfriend to work on his appearance? How can I breach this topic GENTLY and sympathetically without hurting his feelings? I accept him for who he is, but I need to be honest about how this is making me feel, otherwise it’ll get worse and I won’t be able to move past it at all… EDIT: Thank you to everyone who’s taken the time to read & reply to my post… I’ve read every comment and truly appreciate all the advice. I was not aware of ascites / cirrhosis, so this has been extremely enlightening. His symptoms do look extremely similar to ascites, so I will absolutely be confronting him with this. He MUST see a doctor. The overwhelming advice is “leave” and understandably so. The reason I haven’t is because, in every other way, he’s my perfect match and best friend. He deeply cares for and looks after me. We have everything in common. We laugh together like nothing else. This is why this hurts so deeply. I feel like I’m losing my soulmate. The harshest truth is me having to look at myself. By being gentle and not expressing my boundaries, I have enabled him for nearly a decade. Before, I didn’t think that were possible because everyone should be responsible for their own lives… but I see now that my silence & inaction has communicated to him that it’s okay to be a slob. I’ve betrayed myself by trying to not “rock the boat”. I am extremely conflict-avoidant and scared to hurt feelings due to a traumatic childhood witnessing violence in the home. I’ve seen how confrontation can lead to people becoming the worst versions of themselves and acting in terrifying & unforgivable ways… I needed advice on HOW to begin this conversation with him, because I suck at conflict. There has been some very thoughtful advice in this comment section. Thank you for helping. If he doesn’t change, I need to do what’s right for me. submitted by /u/SockPuppetOrSth to r/relationship_advice [link] [comments]