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The Four Horsemen are four communication patterns that Dr. John Gottman identified as predictors of relationship breakdown with 93% accuracy: Criticism (attacking your partner's character), Contempt (treating your partner with disrespect), Defensiveness (making excuses or playing the victim), and Stonewalling (withdrawing and shutting down). Our Red Flag assessment is based on this research.

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Should I marry my partner quiz - how accurate is it?

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My dad (51M) didn't believe I (19M) was hi…

I'm (19M) the youngest kid in the family. My parents had six kids before me aged between 30 and 22. For whatever reason from before I was even born my dad (51M) believed my mom (50F) had cheated and I was the other guys kid. He refused to pay for anything pregnancy or baby related for me before I was born and after he told mom it was on her to pay my way, etc. I guess she suggested a DNA test when I was a newborn and he refused to do one with his money so it didn't happen until a couple of years ago. Dad was a really involved and loving father to my siblings. They all have really great memories of him when they were growing up. He could be strict at times but they knew they were loved and he made sure he also gave them experiences they would always remember. Like a Disney trip one year that lasted for 10 days and a camping experience where he rented these really nice tents and took my siblings with him for a few days at a time. He showed up to their games and recitals and he took days off work to take care of them when they were sick once mom went back to work (he and mom split the days with my siblings). He'd get them takeout from their favorite places as a surprise and if any of them had trouble in school he was right there. Always. I didn't have that kind of parent. He didn't take me to Disney with my siblings, didn't take me camping with them either, never took me shopping with them at any time. He didn't bring me home takeout when he got it for my other siblings. He didn't even know the kind of takeout I liked. I remember being sick with the flu one time and mom was in the hospital after a surgery. My choice was stay at home and take care of myself or go to school. I was 10 or 11. I went to school and a family member had to pick me up and drop me off at home on my own since dad refused to do anything for me. My dad would curse at me and tell me to go away whenever I tried being close to him. My mom let it happen. Her and my dad had a few rough years but their marriage went back to being loving and mom sacrificed me to keep it that way. She didn't push for the DNA test despite knowing I was dad's kid. She didn't stand up for me and insist I should be treated the same or nothing. One time I broke down and cried to her about how I was treated and she told me she knew and she loved me and that she never cheated and I was dad's kid. She told me he didn't believe I was but she said she knew. So I asked her to do something and she said she couldn't. Around two years ago I decided to find out once and for all and I did one of those online kits and convinced my oldest sibling to do one too. It showed we're full siblings. Dad did the test then and he's my dad. It took a few weeks for my dad and mom to talk it out and in that time I moved in with a friends family so I wouldn't be with my parents anymore. I never went back "home" but my dad has apologized and has asked for the chance to make it up to me. But he can't and I don't want to be told over and over that how he treated me was understandable because he didn't think I was his. I don't want my mom to think it's all good that she stayed and allowed me to be treated that way either. But my siblings are ruthlessly defending our parents and they're telling me to let it go and reconcile. They say all the family conflict is down to me and it's about time I grow up and learn how to accept flaws in other people. They dismiss every question I ask or point I make to try and open their eyes. I have not been to therapy yet and I can't afford it right now. I'm barely making enough to survive tbh. So I want some relationship advice on what I should be doing right now and for the next while re my relationship with my family individually and as a whole. submitted by /u/ThrowRAReadMime to r/relationship_advice [link] [comments]